Pasadena, CA – This weekend, the beloved California Torch celebrates its 250th anniversary. Founded by Abraham Starbuck Parnassus on October 23rd, 1768, The California Torch has continued to provide only the finest, curated news for readers with a distinguishing eye … Continue reading The California Torch Celebrates 250th Anniversary!
Citing an alarming trend of deteriorating mental health on campus, Caltech administration announced today that all acts of crying are to be prohibited in shared spaces for undergraduates, effective immediately. An email sent to the Caltech community states: “No acts … Continue reading New Institute Policy to Ban Crying in Public Spaces
Pasadena, CA – In a remarkable display of self-deception, senior Laura Adams is desperately trying to corral her work ethic for a final term, and she hasn’t given up hope yet. “Everyday, I get out of bed, sit at my … Continue reading Senior Still Hoping Admirable Work Ethic Will Materialize
GRANT PARK—Paralyzed by the ghastly sight before them, attendees of an evening barbecue party watched in horror as a s’more burst into flames right before their eyes. “It was all so quick,” described Joey Ma, a witness at the scene. … Continue reading S’more Catches Fire
Deeming the current crop of quotes to be somewhat unpublishable in its current state, Caltech administration has resorted to combing through exponentially growing piles of student responses to find the perfect quip to shut people up long enough to open … Continue reading Admin: “If We Keep Sending Out Bechtel Surveys, Eventually We’ll Get the Right Quote to Shut You All Up”
Maybe if it hits me, I won’t have to go to class. Just do it, Mrs. JPL Shuttle Lady, I don’t want to go to week six of philosophy on this rainy winter night. It’s dark out. I’m supposed to … Continue reading You Know, If The JPL Shuttle Hits You, You Don’t Have to Go to Your Power Hum
After what was apparently a grueling series of sets, junior Emily Kusnetzov publicly broke down at Chouse last night, launching into an unprompted confession about her participation in long-term institutional abuse of mathematical concepts such as calculus. “It was only … Continue reading Physics Major Admits to Torturing Integrals
Junior Ryan Du has finally completed his Freshman 15, and he couldn’t be happier! “All this time, I was wondering, ‘is Caltech really for me?’, or ‘is it impossible to do?’” said Du of his accomplishment. “I guess it was … Continue reading Heartwarming!😍 Junior Completes His Freshman 15!
In preparation for intake of new CS majors from this year’s freshman class, the CMS Department has announced a Russian roulette event to trim the existing crop of CS majors. The Russian roulette program, officially a stopgap measure, is set … Continue reading New Russian Roulette Program to Trim CS Class Size