GRANT PARK—Paralyzed by the ghastly sight before them, attendees of an evening barbecue party watched in horror as a s’more burst into flames right before their eyes. “It was all so quick,” described Joey Ma, a witness at the scene. … Continue reading S’more Catches Fire
Deeming the current crop of quotes to be somewhat unpublishable in its current state, Caltech administration has resorted to combing through exponentially growing piles of student responses to find the perfect quip to shut people up long enough to open … Continue reading Admin: “If We Keep Sending Out Bechtel Surveys, Eventually We’ll Get the Right Quote to Shut You All Up”
Maybe if it hits me, I won’t have to go to class. Just do it, Mrs. JPL Shuttle Lady, I don’t want to go to week six of philosophy on this rainy winter night. It’s dark out. I’m supposed to … Continue reading You Know, If The JPL Shuttle Hits You, You Don’t Have to Go to Your Power Hum
After what was apparently a grueling series of sets, junior Emily Kusnetzov publicly broke down at Chouse last night, launching into an unprompted confession about her participation in long-term institutional abuse of mathematical concepts such as calculus. “It was only … Continue reading Physics Major Admits to Torturing Integrals
Junior Ryan Du has finally completed his Freshman 15, and he couldn’t be happier! “All this time, I was wondering, ‘is Caltech really for me?’, or ‘is it impossible to do?’” said Du of his accomplishment. “I guess it was … Continue reading Heartwarming!😍 Junior Completes His Freshman 15!
In preparation for intake of new CS majors from this year’s freshman class, the CMS Department has announced a Russian roulette event to trim the existing crop of CS majors. The Russian roulette program, officially a stopgap measure, is set … Continue reading New Russian Roulette Program to Trim CS Class Size
BY ENDER O. PI After a survey at Caltech found over 55% of undergrads felt their weakest quality was “social skills,” the Caltech administration has decided to add a new course on “basic social skills, small talk, and effective language … Continue reading Ma0 Gains Optional Sister Class – E0
Reporting from their temporary field office at the Rose Bowl, the Center for Disease Control confirmed this afternoon that the current outbreak Yersinia froshularia, better known by its common name “frosh plague”, has reached pandemic status, with over eight hundred students, … Continue reading Frosh Plague Sweeps Campus
Pasadena, CA – A deadly snark attack occurred off the California coast (specifically, in the inland direction) this Monday, killing one Caltech junior and grievously injuring another. The deceased student is Qiuqiu Wang, 21. The surviving student, who is yet … Continue reading BREAKING: DEADLY SNARK ATTACK OFF CALIFORNIA COAST
BY KUOTHE THE RAVEN Welcome to a new year at Caltech, and to a new year at The Torch! As summer draws itself to a hasty close, assuming it ever began in the first place, we’d like to provide a … Continue reading Revolution Rules Reminder
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