Deeming the current crop of quotes to be somewhat unpublishable in its current state, Caltech administration has resorted to combing through exponentially growing piles of student responses to find the perfect quip to shut people up long enough to open … Continue reading Admin: “If We Keep Sending Out Bechtel Surveys, Eventually We’ll Get the Right Quote to Shut You All Up”

After what was apparently a grueling series of sets, junior Emily Kusnetzov publicly broke down at Chouse last night, launching into an unprompted confession about her participation in long-term institutional abuse of mathematical concepts such as calculus. “It was only … Continue reading Physics Major Admits to Torturing Integrals

In preparation for intake of new CS majors from this year’s freshman class, the CMS Department has announced a Russian roulette event to trim the existing crop of CS majors. The Russian roulette program, officially a stopgap measure, is set … Continue reading New Russian Roulette Program to Trim CS Class Size

BY ENDER O. PI After a survey at Caltech found over 55% of undergrads felt their weakest quality was “social skills,” the Caltech administration has decided to add a new course on “basic social skills, small talk, and effective language … Continue reading Ma0 Gains Optional Sister Class – E0

Reporting from their temporary field office at the Rose Bowl, the Center for Disease Control confirmed this afternoon that the current outbreak Yersinia froshularia, better known by its common name “frosh plague”, has reached pandemic status, with over eight hundred students, … Continue reading Frosh Plague Sweeps Campus