Prefrosh Nina Shaw, ’21, has made waves during Rotation for perfecting the salty-senior routine before even hearing her first cannon fire. According to witnesses, Shaw, who has yet to see a single problem set, has already expertly verbally eviscerated Caltech’s … Continue reading Precocious Prefrosh Already Disillusioned by ‘Tech,’ ‘Admin’
Today, in an about-face, the Institute admitted to a close confidante that it had failed to correct the misspelling of its name for a hundred years. “It doesn’t really matter to me, but I thought I should correct it eventually,” … Continue reading “Actually, it’s spelled ‘Cal Tech’,” Institute Admits
BY SHIBA INU Tom N. Mannion, Senior Director of Student Activities and Programs, has officially been appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences,” according to a California Institute of Technology press release. Mannion is one of twenty-six faculty members given … Continue reading Tom Mannion Appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences”
BY ENDER O. PI A recent study by postgraduate biology students at Caltech hoped to explain the correlation between alopecia (better known as hair loss), and a rare skin disease. However, the study was derailed when one student made a … Continue reading Study Fails to Find Human DNA in Caltech Students
Herein are encoded the most dishonorable actions at Caltech. Luckily, no one has gotten expelled for these… yet. (We think.) Avoid attending class, as much as possible Do the minimum to pass, even though you’re taking it on grades Spend … Continue reading Introducing: the Caltech Dishonor Code
Photo: Caltech President Thomas F. Rosenbaum at the school’s 2014 Commencement. (YouTube) The California Torch learned early on Saturday that Caltech’s 2017 Commencement has been cancelled after failing to meet the two-week deadline for event registration. A spokesperson for the … Continue reading Commencement Cancelled After Failing to Complete Event Registration
The Caltech Counseling Center has today announced the launch of a thirteen-week retreat starting in mid-June, intended to help students here to cope with a notoriously demanding workload and high pressure environment. “While we often see students appear to improve … Continue reading New ‘Summer Break’ Program to Help Students Overcome Abusive Relationship with Caltech
Today, the controversial return of an alligator previously on forced leave from Caltech has been announced, causing ripples of anger and confusion throughout the famed turtle pond at the heart of campus. Although the alligator is known to have snapped … Continue reading Alligator Approved to Return to Caltech Turtle Pond
On Tuesday, administration confirmed that two members of Avery’s freshman class of 2020 are in fact Pasadena City College students. Both freshmen have been attending classes, making friends, and living in Avery House since September of 2016. The mishap was … Continue reading 2 “Avery Freshmen” Found to be Confused PCC Students
“All Caltech-affiliated research, communication, and other published documents must use only the pre-approved adjectives… in order to stay aligned with our identity guidelines,” Caltech administration announced yesterday afternoon. An insider source has confirmed that this action will include NASA Jet … Continue reading Caltech Bans “Lame” Adjectives
