Reporting from their temporary field office at the Rose Bowl, the Center for Disease Control confirmed this afternoon that the current outbreak Yersinia froshularia, better known by its common name “frosh plague”, has reached pandemic status, with over eight hundred students, … Continue reading Frosh Plague Sweeps Campus
Pasadena, CA – A deadly snark attack occurred off the California coast (specifically, in the inland direction) this Monday, killing one Caltech junior and grievously injuring another. The deceased student is Qiuqiu Wang, 21. The surviving student, who is yet … Continue reading BREAKING: DEADLY SNARK ATTACK OFF CALIFORNIA COAST
BY KUOTHE THE RAVEN Welcome to a new year at Caltech, and to a new year at The Torch! As summer draws itself to a hasty close, assuming it ever began in the first place, we’d like to provide a … Continue reading Revolution Rules Reminder
In response to concerns from RAs and RLCs, the Student Affairs Office has announced that Rotation will occur for the first two weeks of each term. At the end of each Rotation, all undergraduates will rank all eight houses and … Continue reading Rotation to Happen Termly
Prefrosh Nina Shaw, ’21, has made waves during Rotation for perfecting the salty-senior routine before even hearing her first cannon fire. According to witnesses, Shaw, who has yet to see a single problem set, has already expertly verbally eviscerated Caltech’s … Continue reading Precocious Prefrosh Already Disillusioned by ‘Tech,’ ‘Admin’
Today, in an about-face, the Institute admitted to a close confidante that it had failed to correct the misspelling of its name for a hundred years. “It doesn’t really matter to me, but I thought I should correct it eventually,” … Continue reading “Actually, it’s spelled ‘Cal Tech’,” Institute Admits
BY SHIBA INU Tom N. Mannion, Senior Director of Student Activities and Programs, has officially been appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences,” according to a California Institute of Technology press release. Mannion is one of twenty-six faculty members given … Continue reading Tom Mannion Appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences”
BY ENDER O. PI A recent study by postgraduate biology students at Caltech hoped to explain the correlation between alopecia (better known as hair loss), and a rare skin disease. However, the study was derailed when one student made a … Continue reading Study Fails to Find Human DNA in Caltech Students
Herein are encoded the most dishonorable actions at Caltech. Luckily, no one has gotten expelled for these… yet. (We think.) Avoid attending class, as much as possible Do the minimum to pass, even though you’re taking it on grades Spend … Continue reading Introducing: the Caltech Dishonor Code
Photo: Caltech President Thomas F. Rosenbaum at the school’s 2014 Commencement. (YouTube) The California Torch learned early on Saturday that Caltech’s 2017 Commencement has been cancelled after failing to meet the two-week deadline for event registration. A spokesperson for the … Continue reading Commencement Cancelled After Failing to Complete Event Registration
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