Pasadena, CA — No longer content with monatomic gases, Caltech Vice President of Student Affairs Joe Shepherd has moved on to studying undergraduate students subjected to extreme pressures in a rapidly changing environment. Caltech undergraduates are a fascinating material for … Continue reading Caltech Explosions Expert Still Not Wrong
Pasadena, CA — If you haven’t heard of “Calphabet,” worry not: neither had the approximately 11,000 members of the California Institute of Technology community, best known as Caltech, until today. Caltech has announced a corporate restructuring, forming an umbrella institution, … Continue reading Caltech Forming New Parent Company: Calphabet
Pasadena, CA – This weekend, the beloved California Torch celebrates its 250th anniversary. Founded by Abraham Starbuck Parnassus on October 23rd, 1768, The California Torch has continued to provide only the finest, curated news for readers with a distinguishing eye … Continue reading The California Torch Celebrates 250th Anniversary!
Pasadena, CA – In a remarkable display of self-deception, senior Laura Adams is desperately trying to corral her work ethic for a final term, and she hasn’t given up hope yet. “Everyday, I get out of bed, sit at my … Continue reading Senior Still Hoping Admirable Work Ethic Will Materialize
Junior Ryan Du has finally completed his Freshman 15, and he couldn’t be happier! “All this time, I was wondering, ‘is Caltech really for me?’, or ‘is it impossible to do?’” said Du of his accomplishment. “I guess it was … Continue reading Heartwarming!😍 Junior Completes His Freshman 15!
Pasadena, CA – A deadly snark attack occurred off the California coast (specifically, in the inland direction) this Monday, killing one Caltech junior and grievously injuring another. The deceased student is Qiuqiu Wang, 21. The surviving student, who is yet … Continue reading BREAKING: DEADLY SNARK ATTACK OFF CALIFORNIA COAST
BY KUOTHE THE RAVEN Welcome to a new year at Caltech, and to a new year at The Torch! As summer draws itself to a hasty close, assuming it ever began in the first place, we’d like to provide a … Continue reading Revolution Rules Reminder
BY ENDER O. PI A recent study by postgraduate biology students at Caltech hoped to explain the correlation between alopecia (better known as hair loss), and a rare skin disease. However, the study was derailed when one student made a … Continue reading Study Fails to Find Human DNA in Caltech Students
Herein are encoded the most dishonorable actions at Caltech. Luckily, no one has gotten expelled for these… yet. (We think.) Avoid attending class, as much as possible Do the minimum to pass, even though you’re taking it on grades Spend … Continue reading Introducing: the Caltech Dishonor Code
With registration for Spring term just around the corner, administrators are clinging to their desks and biting their nails. The reason? Caltech’s very own renegade class, Ge1. This year, Ge1, Introduction to Earth and Environment, is gearing up for record-breaking … Continue reading Ge1: Naive Troublemakers, or Nefarious Terrorist Cell?
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