Maybe if it hits me, I won’t have to go to class. Just do it, Mrs. JPL Shuttle Lady, I don’t want to go to week six of philosophy on this rainy winter night. It’s dark out. I’m supposed to … Continue reading You Know, If The JPL Shuttle Hits You, You Don’t Have to Go to Your Power Hum
Junior Ryan Du has finally completed his Freshman 15, and he couldn’t be happier! “All this time, I was wondering, ‘is Caltech really for me?’, or ‘is it impossible to do?’” said Du of his accomplishment. “I guess it was … Continue reading Heartwarming!😍 Junior Completes His Freshman 15!
Pasadena, CA – A deadly snark attack occurred off the California coast (specifically, in the inland direction) this Monday, killing one Caltech junior and grievously injuring another. The deceased student is Qiuqiu Wang, 21. The surviving student, who is yet … Continue reading BREAKING: DEADLY SNARK ATTACK OFF CALIFORNIA COAST
Today, in an about-face, the Institute admitted to a close confidante that it had failed to correct the misspelling of its name for a hundred years. “It doesn’t really matter to me, but I thought I should correct it eventually,” … Continue reading “Actually, it’s spelled ‘Cal Tech’,” Institute Admits
Herein are encoded the most dishonorable actions at Caltech. Luckily, no one has gotten expelled for these… yet. (We think.) Avoid attending class, as much as possible Do the minimum to pass, even though you’re taking it on grades Spend … Continue reading Introducing: the Caltech Dishonor Code
On Tuesday, administration confirmed that two members of Avery’s freshman class of 2020 are in fact Pasadena City College students. Both freshmen have been attending classes, making friends, and living in Avery House since September of 2016. The mishap was … Continue reading 2 “Avery Freshmen” Found to be Confused PCC Students
“All Caltech-affiliated research, communication, and other published documents must use only the pre-approved adjectives… in order to stay aligned with our identity guidelines,” Caltech administration announced yesterday afternoon. An insider source has confirmed that this action will include NASA Jet … Continue reading Caltech Bans “Lame” Adjectives
In a long-anticipated move, Caltech administration announced Thursday morning that they plan to extend Undergraduate Core requirements to include graduate school, effective immediately. UG Core requirements are mandatory for every undergraduate. Administration also mentioned the possibility of phasing out introductory … Continue reading Caltech Adds Grad School to UG Core Requirements
With registration for Spring term just around the corner, administrators are clinging to their desks and biting their nails. The reason? Caltech’s very own renegade class, Ge1. This year, Ge1, Introduction to Earth and Environment, is gearing up for record-breaking … Continue reading Ge1: Naive Troublemakers, or Nefarious Terrorist Cell?
A growing number of brave upperclassmen are walking through communal areas, braving froshbite and worse, driven by fears of missing dinner. The enormous risk was highlighted last weekend by a Caltech junior’s tragic loss of three toes and two fingers. … Continue reading Caltech Junior Loses Toes, Fingers to Froshbite