BY T. M. COOKS PASADENA, CA – Last Tuesday, the Chief of Caltech Security announced that the department will be undergoing some changes. Most notably, Caltech will be supplementing campus security with the addition of heavily armed U.S. Military troops. … Continue reading Caltech Security to be Enhanced by Heavily Armed U.S. Troops
BY ENDER O. PI After a survey at Caltech found over 55% of undergrads felt their weakest quality was “social skills,” the Caltech administration has decided to add a new course on “basic social skills, small talk, and effective language … Continue reading Ma0 Gains Optional Sister Class – E0
Reporting from their temporary field office at the Rose Bowl, the Center for Disease Control confirmed this afternoon that the current outbreak Yersinia froshularia, better known by its common name “frosh plague”, has reached pandemic status, with over eight hundred students, … Continue reading Frosh Plague Sweeps Campus
BY KUOTHE THE RAVEN Welcome to a new year at Caltech, and to a new year at The Torch! As summer draws itself to a hasty close, assuming it ever began in the first place, we’d like to provide a … Continue reading Revolution Rules Reminder
BY SHIBA INU Tom N. Mannion, Senior Director of Student Activities and Programs, has officially been appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences,” according to a California Institute of Technology press release. Mannion is one of twenty-six faculty members given … Continue reading Tom Mannion Appointed “Thomas Mannion Professor of Culinary Sciences”
BY ENDER O. PI A recent study by postgraduate biology students at Caltech hoped to explain the correlation between alopecia (better known as hair loss), and a rare skin disease. However, the study was derailed when one student made a … Continue reading Study Fails to Find Human DNA in Caltech Students
BY JAMES SILVA Last Tuesday, the Office of the Registrar announced that the servers used for registration will be moved to the cloud by means of several thousand industrial-strength balloons. Acknowledging the “issues” which have plagued the registration process in … Continue reading IMSS Moves Registration to the Cloud
Greetings, [adjective] reader! This is the re-inaugural [noun] of The [well-known publication], the [adjective] publication of the [adjective] California Institute of [noun]. Herein you will [verb] only the most [adjective], [adjective], and [adjective] news regarding Our Fine [noun]. The [same well-known publication] covers everything from [important noun] to [another important noun], as well as the many, many things in between and beyond. If you would like to [verb], please [verb] the Editors at california.torch@gmail.com. We seek [adjective] writers with [adjective] taste and an appreciation for the [noun]. Continue reading [Noun] from the Editors
Author: Peter Lankton In a stunning move, the Academics and Research Committee (ARC) announced Friday morning a complete overhaul of the Caltech grading scheme. The reported reason was to preemptively combat rampant grade inflation that has caused GPAs to skyrocket … Continue reading ARC Declares New Grading System
Author: James Silva North Korea has claimed responsibility for a crippling cyber attack that left hundreds of Caltech students awake hours ahead of schedule. According to state run media, the attack was a coordinated effort of hundreds of agents to … Continue reading North Korea Claims Responsibility for Caltech Registration Cyberattack
