Pasadena, CA – This weekend, the beloved California Torch celebrates its 250th anniversary. Founded by Abraham Starbuck Parnassus on October 23rd, 1768, The California Torch has continued to provide only the finest, curated news for readers with a distinguishing eye for the quality of the finest, curated news for readers with a distinguishing eye for the quality.
Mr. Parnassus was born in the winter of 1743 to a pair of surfers from the outskirts of modern-day San Diego. It was a hella chill winter, and many people suffered due to a critical boba shortage. However, Mr. Parnassus survived that winter, and became a bright, curious boy. After earning a 1600 on his SAT, he was invited to study at the Throop Training School for Ye Olde White Fuckboyes (later called Caltech). Mr. Parnassus traveled on foot from San Diego to Pasadena, arriving in the fall of 1764 with only 1 Dbal in his pocket.
In 1764, Pasadena had a very small population of 300 people, composed mostly of professors (many of whom still ‘teach’ today). There were only a dozen log cabins then, and all of them were luxury apartments with a rent of $2200 per month. Because nobody could afford these apartments, the students settled for cooking and sleeping in the open air. At night, they often entertained themselves with songs, storytelling, and dances. It was in this manner that Parnassus passed many happy years, often writing home to his parents.
However, in the spring of 1768, violence struck when several rogue professors disagreed with how self-important the institution should be. Those who voted “we’re like MIT’s peer institution” were allowed to stay. However, those who voted “we’re probably not” were banished to San Luis Obispo, where they formed Cal Poly. By this time, Parnassus was a cynical senior. He wisely predicted that Cal Poly would cause problems for future students, and led a campaign to fortify the institute. (It was at this time that the Fleming Cannon was purchased.)
“I don’t know why, but I just feel like Cal Poly is going to cause everybody trouble in the future. Like, maybe some name-based similarity. Which is wild, because we’re called the Throop Training School. No, I don’t know why. Also, invest in Apple,” Parnassus wrote to a fellow student in 1768.
For his senior thesis, Parnassus carefully devised an economical recipe for the defense of Our Fine Institute against intruders.
“Each year, ye shall take a massyv shyte on the frosh.”
This self-flagellating recipe has served to scare off weak proto-frosh ever since, much like the sight of a person cutting off their own fingers to ‘make themselves stronger.’ In the 1970s, this recipe was codified into the Caltech Core. To this day, many upperclassmen happily partake in the spirit of Parnassus’ manifesto. “If we had to be miserable, so do you,” they gleefully shout in the hallways.
Although The California Torch has taken on many shapes and forms over the years, it has long been associated with its commitment to making its readers feel ashamed and dirty, much like The Tech. While many traditional newspapers are struggling with the transition to the digital age, The California Torch has thrived by fostering a complete disregard for editorial standards.
“It’s true,” says Parnassus.
Many commemorative events will take place around campus this weekend, including a 5k unfun run. For a full schedule of festivities, go fuck yourself, frosh.