Physics Major Admits to Torturing Integrals

After what was apparently a grueling series of sets, junior Emily Kusnetzov publicly broke down at Chouse last night, launching into an unprompted confession about her participation in long-term institutional abuse of mathematical concepts such as calculus.

“It was only small things at first, like assuming friction to be zero,” Emily confessed in-between sobs. “But then we started Ph12a and waves… We did horrible things in the name of ‘negligibility’ and ‘approximation.’ I made the equations tell me what I wanted to hear, but now I don’t even know who I am anymore.” After a short pause, she added: “I don’t even know where I am.”

The allegations, if true, implicate Caltech students and educators alike in multiple war crimes as defined in the Geneva Convention, including but not limited to pretending the delta function is a function and treating differentials as if they were fractions.

Our source within the Division of Physics, Math, and Astronomy confirms for us that these egregious practices have indeed been going on for an extended period of time—perhaps even since the time of Feynman himself. “It’s standard practice, really,” mentioned our source, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity for their own protection. “It’s very much normal to just, say, multiply infinity by 0, and then assign whatever constant you happen to need as the result.”

An investigation into the full extent of this scandal is ongoing and is expected to result in dozens of arrests. In the meantime, Kusnetzov is cooperating with authorities and is expected to plead guilty in front of the Mathematical Association of America early next month.

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