Today, the controversial return of an alligator previously on forced leave from Caltech has been announced, causing ripples of anger and confusion throughout the famed turtle pond at the heart of campus.
Although the alligator is known to have snapped at, and even injured, multiple ducks, Administration maintains that the lack of any permanent casualties is enough grounds to reinstate the alligator as a member of the Caltech community, a stand many consider to be a stunningly flexible interpretation of the Honor Code. Accordingly, various other members of the pond community have threatened to leave, an act that would disrupt the local ecosystem and have far-reaching consequences for the pond’s continued viability as a leading center of hydrobiological activity.
However, opinions on campus are divided. “Well, maybe the ducks shouldn’t be so soft and vulnerable, y’know?” quipped one turtle as it immediately retreated into its shell for personal safety.
In response to criticism, Administration would like to remind everyone that alligators are more expensive than turtles and other marine life. “So it ruffled some feathers, no big deal—alligators will be alligators!” said one official to the Torch. “Really, those ducks should be grateful we didn’t make foie gras out of them.”
[As always, the Torch welcomes submissions at email@example.com.]