BY JAMES SILVA
Last Tuesday, the Office of the Registrar announced that the servers used for registration will be moved to the cloud by means of several thousand industrial-strength balloons. Acknowledging the “issues” which have plagued the registration process in the past, the Registrar hopes to “vastly improve” the registration experience for undergrads by ensuring that the servers are kept between 25,000 and 27,000 feet, an altitude which the Torch has been informed is, according to calculations, “optimal for all things, including servers.”
IMSS hopes that the loftier server positioning will translate directly to an increase in performance. “Once it reaches about 20,000 feet, we should see a marked increase in efficiency due to the colder environment,” said one IMSS rep, who has asked to remain anonymous, while standing in a room littered with hundreds of discarded helium cylinders. The relocation of the servers to the cloud will also help to increase security, making it more difficult for the enemies of Caltech, such as Harvey Mudd, MIT, and the rogue state of North Korea, to gain access to this vital Caltech system. While some students have raised concerns about being able to reach the servers in order to register for classes, the IMSS rep assured the Torch that “any detriment to the Caltech community from the relocation will be more than made up by the benefit of a faster, higher-altitude server.” They noted the additional benefit of this new strategy being able to select for the hardest working students: “After this change, only the students willing to go the extra vertical mile – or hopefully, miles – and find a way to reach the servers will be able to register. This will ensure that Caltech’s classes are filled with only the most dedicated students, and that kid with the drone.”
Should registration go well, we may well see the strategy of lofting items into the upper troposphere adapted to other facets of Caltech life, including Caltech Dining Services, the ACM95 drop box, and the turtles in Throop Pond.