Caltech Cohort Study to Spread Gospel Door-to-Door

After last term’s participation rate plummeted to 97%, a group of professors in the Humanities and Social Sciences Division have announced a new mission to spread the gospel of the Caltech Cohort Study to incoming freshman.

“For Caltech so loved its undergraduates that it gave its one and only Cohort Study, that whoever shall take the Study shall not be broke, but shall have an average payout of up to $29, and a max payment (so far) of $65,” professor of political science Taric Lowberg says, “as it is written in the Book of SSEL. It is our mission to bring the love, peace, and average payout of $29 that you can receive by confessing and repenting your risk aversion and subconscious racism to the Caltech Cohort Study.”

Lowberg is extending his gospel-spreading plan by recruiting a small group of professors and that one guy who is getting a humanities major to go door to door in the houses, asking people if they would take the 30 minutes required to let the Cohort Study into their hearts and wallets.

While the majority of the responses the group has gotten going door to door range from closed doors to skeptical responses like, “How can you prove there is a Cohort Study?”, the group has had a number of successes.

“I really feel like a changed student. I feel reborn through the $61 payment that the Cohort Study has provided me. Before, I was lost as an undergraduate, but now I have found my purpose. I can do all things through the Cohort study, which strengthens me and gives me a bit of cash to blow on weekend Chipotle,” junior Lily Chang explains.

Lowberg has also announced future plans to rename the HSS department to “Church of the Caltech Cohort Study”, registering the department as a tax-exempt entity, and additionally asks that students taking HSS classes give 10% of their tuition payments to the department.

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